I remember one particular night of attempting cry it out. We wanted our son to go to sleep on his own. He cried and screamed and never gave up on the idea that he didn’t want to be alone. Four brutal, brutal hours later, at midnight, bleary eyed, full of confusion and sadness, I asked myself and my wife, “why are we doing this”? With other kids, this would not have happened. After 10 min, 20 min… an hour, they would have just gone to sleep. I was told that if I stuck with it he would just go to sleep. I was told that eventually he would go to sleep. I believed that this was the right thing to do, so I kept going. I was told I needed to do this. So, my resolve was strong, he needed to go to sleep on his own.
But, it was his will, his strength, and his undying desire to be close to us that forced me to come face to face with what was happening, with what I was doing. “Why am I willing to cause such pain and distress in my sweet little son to do this? Whose idea was this? Why do we do this? This is when all the questions started percolating up…and they haven’t stopped since. The veil was lifted. Any conventional parenting practice is up for debate as far as I’m concerned. If crying it out is an example of good parenting, then what else are we doing in the name of good parenting?
My experience with cry it out taught me something important. I was parenting in a way that didn’t care about what my son wanted. I was mostly just concerned about me and my priorities…to be honest. In this case, I wanted him to go to sleep on his own, like he was supposed to. It became so clear that night, in that small apartment, at midnight. This didn’t feel right. This was not the parent I wanted to be. Surely, I could do better than this?
What else was I forcing him to do because he was “supposed to do it”. How else was I hurting him to get what I wanted? Thank god for this night, for the madness of that night. This madness forced me to reevaluate, to ask why. Why am I doing this?
I couldn’t think of a single good reason to continue parenting as I was parenting. It didn’t feel right at all. I could feel the tension in my body. I decided to trust this moment of truth and to trust my feelings. I needed to become the parent that I wanted to be, not someone else’s idea of a good parent. This is the night that he taught me more than he’ll ever know. I can’t tell you how glad I am that he did not give up. I’m a different parent, a different person now because of him, because of that night.
I finally realized and have never forgotten that all he wanted was to lie with one of us. So I lied with him. As soon as I did that, he was asleep in 20 seconds. And my life as a parent changed forever.
A very powerful story Drew. Talking with you and reading your blog has certainly changed the way I have been parenting. I was definitely playing the CEO game where I was the top dog and my daughter was to listen, or else. “Or else” was where I one-upped her intensity via verbal warnings and physical intervention if necessary. She became increasingly resistant: sorry for scientific analogy, but like bacteria to an antibiotic. She found ways to challenge my authority, and test the boundaries to gain control when all she wanted was for her daddy to love her, listen to her needs, and to be fair. Incredibly, I’m fair all day at school as a teacher: joyful, patient and fair. For some reason, I didn’t need to be “fair” at home because this was my kid. No one else’s. I was exempt from societies niceties when it was my playing field. What a meatball. Thanks for the raw truth of what you’re sharing Drew. It is, at times, difficult to read because truth can be difficult to swallow. While it is motivating to know that other parents struggle with the same things I do, it is all for not without action resulting in positive change. For this reason, Drew, you have inspired me to visit a parent counsellor so I can talk about why I chose the parenting path I did, and find strategies to better cope as I move forward.
Wow. Thank you Shane for sharing about you and your parenting journey. I love the honesty…it’s the only way toward growth.
It’s hard to become aware of our auto pilot type tendencies. But it is a gift really. Raising little kids is difficult enough, I know. So it seems like an extra added annoyance to be questioning how we are doing things. But so much better to be questioning and adjusting now. then looking back and regretting.
It’s funny, parenting, like other dedicated commitments, requires a leap of faith. The leap of faith that I had to make was that: children are good. And like you mentioned, sometimes it’s hard to see that. We can see it as insubordination or disobedience…when all our child really wants is attention, love or security.
Seen through this lens, parenting becomes a game of how do I help my kid get what they need, rather than how do I control my child.
It makes a huge difference to see it this way. And makes for a much more enjoyable home and family life.
Rock on Shane