Let’s say your partner is attacking you personally, criticizing you, and blaming you… and you realize in the moment that she is doing so because she is hurt and unable to communicate in a healthy and mature way, then this puts you in a leadership position.
If you have the wherewithal and awareness to understand that overwhelmed and triggered people tend to communicate in hurtful ways, and you choose NOT to engage in that kind of communication, then you are the leader in that conversation.
If instead of defending, counterattacking, collapsing and door matting, you offer a strong witness to her experience and her feelings, then you are the leader.
And that’s okay.
You are allowed to lead you two to better places.
It is preferable that someone be grounded. It is allowed to be you.
You can make this choice.
This kind of leadership is needed in relationships, and in the world. Children need this kind of leadership too.
It’s hard as hell when someone is taking shots at you, looking to hook you into an argument… when emotions are running high. This perspective of being of service can absolutely and instantaneously transform the feeling of being shit on and disrespected in to the honorable position of stable, loving, leadership in order to help someone through a difficult time.
You can actually help
You can witness her.
You can validate her emotions and concerns. You can help her express her hurt, all while retaining your own dignity and without taking things personally.
Men, if your partner is often angry with you and you like to learn how to do this, reach out.