If you are people pleasing in your marriage it will mean that you won’t speak for or stand for your desires.
You will suppress what you want and be oriented to what your partner wants.
And it will mean that you will just hope that your partner can read your mind and then meet your desires.
You will also make up the meaning that “if my partner loved me, they would know. I should haven’t to say.”
Then you get to have the belief that your partner doesn’t love you, or you are somehow not loveable… which is a belief you kind of want to retain at some level. How is that belief serving you?
When the mind reading doesn’t work and you’ve had enough of not feeling loveable and like you matter…
You will pluck up the courage to say what it is that you want.
It will take a lot for you to do that, but good for you.
Overcoming this fear is a big deal.
However, when you get met with some resistance, that will hurt you like a knife through your heart. Why? Because it took so much for you mention this in the first place… and they should know how much it took for you to share!
It is vulnerable to put yourself out there and voice what you want. It means that someone could shut you down and then…. confirm your worst nightmare which is:
You don’t matter, your voice doesn’t matter, what you want doesn’t matter. You are not important, not loveable.
(That is the belief by which you have been operating in anyway… and yet it is also your worst nightmare. Go figure)
And so it’s emotional and triggering to speak what you want and to risk it not being heard, and even more so for it to be invalidated.
There is a way however, that you can set up a conversation so that you are much more likely to be heard by your partner and you can finally get what you want… which is listening, understanding, validation and maybe even some collaboration on you getting what you want.
It is this:
Set up the conversation for success. And by this I mean, don’t have a conversation.
Conversations are two way dialogues. Conversations are complicated and can get sidetracked into the weeds when you try to share your truth.
If you really want to be heard and considered and you have not had that experience in your relationship, then the way you are currently doing things isn’t working. May as well try something new!
Try this: A one way conversation: Or, you sharing and asking to be heard.
It sounds a little something like this:
“I would like to share with you some things that are on my mind. I’d like to make a time for this.
And here is how I’d like it to go:
I’d like to share with you and for you to listen. I am not looking for any comments, counter points, or advice really. What I’d really like is understanding. For you to try to get what I’m saying and understand how I’m feeling.
Are you up for this?
I’d be willing to do this for you too at a different time. I’d like this to be my chance to speak.
Would you be willing to do this?”