I think that the big wound most of us have is separation from self and our own acceptability or worthiness (loveability). The big wound is Shame.
It results in living a life of either subtle or overt rejection of oneself. It plays out in different ways, all the way from limiting beliefs, self sabotage, seeking external validation, to addiction and harmful behaviors of oneself and others.
Most people who have not acknowledged this and addressed it will carry this feeling of separation from self, and the shame, sadness, frustration, anger, and grief that comes with it.
You can see people trying to compensate in ways to address this wound. You can see people attempting to ignore, distract, and stimulate their way out of it.
But that never really works, does it?
If we want to be truly free and stop suffering, we cannot ignore that we have turned on ourselves. We must acknowledge that we are carrying the torch of judging ourselves as “less than”. It can be hard to see that we do this to ourselves, but if we want to be healthy and fully expressed, empowered and at peace, we must realize that we have been conditioned not to accept ourselves.
This leading astray I don’t think happens intentionally. Parents try their best. But what lessons will a parent who struggles with shame pass down to his or her child?
The child who is raised by a shameful self judging parent will likely get shamed and judged. The child will take on and believe in the judgment and conditional acceptance that his surroundings have mirrored back to him or her. (I am only worthy/good if I do X). (I am bad and unloveable when I do X)
It is sad to think about a little child being left with the choice of striving to earn their own goodness and worthiness back… or to kind of give up and accept the lie of unworthiness or unlovability as truth.
It’s an unwinnable game. On either side you lose.
The original sin is NOT when the child makes a mistake or acts out of immaturity or frustration and does something “wrong”. It is when they are made to feel bad, wrong and unacceptable for simply being a child.
We come to believe that something is wrong with us.
It doesn’t have to go this way. But it requires healing. It requires acknowledging the patterns that we are repeating. It requires self love and compassion and patience. And then love, compassion and patience for our children.
It requires a leap of faith really… that we can raise children without shame.
Imagine though… a world where children grew up feeling worthy, acceptable and lovable no questions, out of the gate. Isn’t that what you would want for your children and for all the children of the world?
The way home for us parents trying to raise kids without shame and judgment is to focus on ourselves first, to acquaint ourselves with our own innocence, and to give our own selves the unconditional love and acceptance that we did not get.
It might feel like a strange concept. It did to me. How can I give me love and acceptance? (It is possible even?)
Yes it is. And it’s worth figuring out how.