They give and give, but not from a genuine place.
They give to get: acceptance, approval…recognition. The giving comes with preconditions.
They strike unspoken deals: “I’ll over-give, I will over-perform if you recognize me and how good I am, and how much work I do”.
“I’ll over-give so long as you put up with my self imposed martyrdom and complaining about how much I do and how little everyone else does.”
“I’ll allow you to dictate my boundaries, I’ll expect you to know my limits, I’ll trust you to know what I should and shouldn’t do.”
I’ll over-give and you can do less than me, that way I can feel comfortable because the balance of giving will be in my favor.”
“I’ll over-give so long as I can belong… to this company, to this relationship…to this special club”.
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And where does the people pleaser learn this? A steady diet of punishments and rewards. And, being taught that their performance and compliance is what garners love and attention… not who they are, but what they do for someone.
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If you want your kids to turn into people pleasers with poor boundaries and tendencies to burn themselves out for the approval of an authority… keep training them on a steady diet of rewards and punishments.