They give and give, but not from a genuine place.
They give to get: acceptance, approval…recognition. The giving comes with preconditions.
They strike unspoken deals: “I’ll over-give, I will over-perform if you recognize me and how good I am, and how much work I do”.
“I’ll over-give so long as you put up with my self imposed martyrdom and complaining about how much I do and how little everyone else does.”
“I’ll allow you to dictate my boundaries, I’ll expect you to know my limits, I’ll trust you to know what I should and shouldn’t do.”
I’ll over-give and you can do less than me, that way I can feel comfortable because the balance of giving will be in my favor.”
“I’ll over-give so long as I can belong… to this company, to this relationship…to this special club”.
And where does the people pleaser learn this? A steady diet of punishments and rewards. And, being taught that their performance and compliance is what garners love and attention… not who they are, but what they do for someone.
If you want your kids to turn into people pleasers with poor boundaries and tendencies to burn themselves out for the approval of an authority… keep training them on a steady diet of rewards and punishments.