You MUST feel bad about Yourself in order to be Good

𝐎𝐥𝐝 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐠𝐦:: When my child does something hurtful or makes a mistake, I must somehow instill in them the wrongness of their actions. They should feel wrong and bad about what they did. It is through really feeling bad that they will learn how to behave properly. I can make them feel bad by punishing, taking things away, isolating them, shaming, yelling at them… and so on.Either way, I must be sure to really impress upon them their unacceptability when they behave in ways I disapprove of.It is only by feeling really bad about oneself that one will be able to know what good is, and to also know what remorse is. Real remorse is only possible when someone feels really shameful about themselves.


𝐍𝐞𝐰 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐠𝐦: Kids are good. When my child does something hurtful or makes a mistake I can bring them back to their good nature. I can help them when they act in hurtful ways to learn and grow. I can help them gain skills for next time, so that they have tools to act in better ways.I do this by: helping them understand themselves and their behavior, by helping them understand their emotion and how it’s connected to their behavior, by helping them learn better ways of regulating and communicating.I simply allow for mistakes to happen. I allow for my kids to be human. We have a mistake friendly home. I also help them understand the impact of their actions through empathizing with the person they may have hurt. Remorse can happen, but it comes as a result of empathy as opposed to shame being forced upon them.Empathy instead of shame is the teacher for prosocial behavior. (But it might only possible once they have been empathized with.)



Things change, things evolve. This evolution is happening right now. We no longer need to motivate through fear and shame. We are awakening to our good nature. It is within us.