There are no Tips and Tricks to get your child to stop being rude, behaving badly and to be kinder and more cooperative. The problem is bigger than TIPs or tricks. The truth is (with few exceptions) this: If there is an ongoing challenge in your home with behavior, is it is deeper than simple tips would address.
The biggest “TIP” I can offer is this: Understand that the child’s behavior is a reflection of his/her own internal environment.
A child who is acting out does not feel good inside for some reason. A child who feels safe, secure, connected and confident generally acts in prosocial ways. If there is something off with behavior, there is something off inside.
The inside environment of the child is related to the home environment and the relationships that parent has with oneself, one’s partner, and with the children. This home environment influences the internal environment of the child….and thus the behavior that the child demonstrates. This is what we have a lot of control over as well.
What happens is this: Parents have blind spots with regard to the home environment that they create and how it impacts the child. Parents CANNOT see what they are doing. If they could, they might address it.The parent does not have the awareness of their own behavior or a clear understanding of what positive alternatives look like. I really didn’t understand the degree to which my own behavior influenced my children’s behavior. There is a disconnect amongst parents with regard to this.
Having a big blind spot is like driving in the dark….with no lights and no steering wheel. I know. I was on that road careening from guardrail to guardrail.If the parents don’t see it or don’t want to see it, the blind spots persist for years and the child’s behavior gets worse.Here is my advice if you’d like it: If there has been ongoing friction, upset and overwhelm in your home, Get Help.
Find someone who can help you see your blind spots in how you are creating the home environment and what you are modelling. Find someone who can guide you toward effective ways of relating and how to create a healthy and connected home. Find someone who can help you cultivate compassion, connection, and assertiveness.It is humbling and it does cost money. However, it is highly effective to admit you need help and to invest in the process.
There is a shift that occurs when you ask for help, a new willingness and commitment to change emerges. I know. Big shifts can occur when parents stop doing more of the same and decide to intentionally chart a new course with support.
This is not a popular perspective because it points to the “failing” of the parent. Screw that! First, failure is a judgment. We could also call it learning. Or we could understand that as parents we were never taught how to do it. If is not a failure to ask for help, it is not weak. Asking for help is brave and effective.Also, it’s not popular because it’s not a pill you can take.
It’s not a quick fix. Overhauling the home environment and your relationship to yourself and your children is a real responsibility and it takes time. But. Is it worth it? Would it be worth it to create more ease, peace, connection and respect in your home?
How would you benefit? How would your children benefit from you learning how to create a truly loving and empowering home environment?
