Are you a yeller? Shouter? Read on:
Here is the truth: I yelled at my children NOT because of their behavior. I yelled because of how I felt inside. I attributed to their behavior something incorrect. In my mind I made it mean something (threatening) that it didn’t. It was the threatened feeling inside of me that I want to stop. And so I yelled to stop the threat or the discomfort of what I thought was causing it. It makes sense that I would seek to stop the behavior that I think is causing my uncomfortable feelings.
But!! It’s not the behavior that is actually a threat. It’s not. A child not listening is not a threat. It is my interpretation of it. Think about it: How much of your child’s behaviors are actually threatening and warrant a threatened response like yelling? Almost none of it.
Here is the SHIFT – I can choose to see things differently. This alone will help me be far more mature and positive in my responses. The perspective shift will impact my thinking, feeling and responding to a situation. This is how it works. How you perceive something totally dictates how you interact with it. Think of examples from your life. How do you interact with things that threaten you?
🤔🤔🤔 You might not be buying this talk about being threatened. So, let’s look at it. What is the threat underneath that yelling and the anger? What feelings do you want to make stop? Take a look below to see if you can identify with any of the feelings I have noticed:
👉 “If you get upset I get upset. I don’t know how to separate me from you. I feel upset and overwhelmed.”
👉 “I want the whining/crying to stop. I am uncomfortable with sadness.”
👉 “Your sadness reminds me of when I was sad. I don’t like that. I feel panicked and scared.”
👉 “I don’t know how to help you. I feel panicked and incapable. If I were a good parent, I’d know what to do to fix things”
👉 “Your emotions are unpredictable. I want to stop them so I can have more predictability and safety.”
👉 “If you don’t listen, I feel disrespected, small and unimportant.”
👉 “If you don’t listen I feel out of control and powerless. I want to feel control.”
👉 “If you don’t listen I’ll be late and then I’ll look bad/I’ll be judged/I’ll be behind schedule… I feel overwhelmed and not good enough.”
👉 “I am worried about your behavior and that you won’t learn what you need to learn. I feel pressure and fear.”
👉 “I am worried about you behavior and that I’ll be judged for it. I feel a shame.”
👉 “If you don’t listen, I worry you won’t be safe. I feel scared.”
👉 “I feel stressed, exhausted and overworked. I am looking for an outlet for my frustration.”
👉 “I feel generally uninspired, and unsatisfied. I am looking for an outlet for my dissatisfaction.”
👉 “I feel unappreciated and unloved.”
👉 “Somehow, I think you are trying to make life harder for me. I don’t trust you. I feel anxious and suspicious.”
👉 “I want you to be more mature or to progress faster… to grow up. I want things to be easier than they are.”
👉 “My relationship with your mother/father is not going well. I am angry and upset and looking for an outlet.”
👉 “I feel a general sense of disempowerment in my life and want to exert more control, so I try to control you.”
None of these are physical threats. They are all emotional threats. Yet, the response can be similar right?
Can you see how the real reason behind the yelling is not to stop the behavior, but to stop the uncomfortable feeling inside of the one who is yelling. We may as well be yeIling, “I don’t want feel this way, somebody please help me!!!”
So what now?
Join me for the Calm and Conscious Parenting Course or inquire about 1 on 1 coaching.
With Love and Respect,