Here is the truth: I yell at my children NOT because of their behavior. I yell because of how I feel inside. Their behavior triggers a feeling inside of me that I don’t like. It is the feeling inside of me that I want to stop.
What is that frustration speaking to? What is underneath that anger? What feelings do you want to make stop?
Take a look below to see if you can identify with any of the feelings I have noticed:
- If you get upset I get upset. I don’t know how to separate me from you. I feel upset and overwhelmed.
- I want the whining/crying to stop. I am uncomfortable with sadness.
- Your sadness reminds me of when I was sad. I don’t like that. I feel panicked and scared.
- I don’t know how to help you. I feel panicked and incapable.
- Your emotions are unpredictable. I want to stop them so I can have more predictability and safety.
- If you don’t listen, I feel disrespected, small and unimportant.
- If you don’t listen I feel out of control and powerless. I want to feel control.
- If you don’t listen I’ll be late and then I’ll look bad/I’ll be judged/I’ll be behind schedule… I feel overwhelmed and not good enough.
- I am worried about your behavior and that you won’t learn what you need to learn. I feel pressure and fear.
- I am worried about you behavior and that I’ll be judged for it. I feel a shame.
- If you don’t listen, I worry you won’t be safe. I feel scared.
- I feel stressed, exhausted and overworked. I am looking for an outlet for my frustration.
- I feel generally uninspired, and unsatisfied. I am looking for an outlet for my dissatisfaction.
- I feel unappreciated and unloved.
- Somehow, I think you are trying to make life harder for me. I don’t trust you. I feel anxious and suspicious.
- I want you to be more mature or to progress faster… to grow up. I want things to be easier than they are.
- My relationship with your mother/father is not going well. I am angry and upset and looking for an outlet.
- I feel a general sense of disempowerment in my life and want to exert mote control, so I try to control you.
Can you think of any more?
Can you see how the real reason behind the yelling is not to stop the behavior, but to stop the uncomfortable feeling inside of us?
So what now?
Join me for the Calm and Conscious Parenting Course starting Sunday January 19, 2020. Limited spaces are available. Contact me to join. In the course you will learn how to:
- Identify your triggers
- Identify and own your feelings
- Feel your feelings
- Regulate yourself
- Address undesirable behaviour maturely and confidently