The Feelings I Don’t Want to Feel

Here is the truth: I yell at my children NOT because of their behavior. I yell because of how I feel inside. I let their behavior lead to an uncomfortable feeling inside of me. That is because I attribute to the behavior something incorrect. In my mind I make it mean something (threatening) that it really doesn’t mean.
It is this feeling inside of me that I want to stop. And so I yell to stop the threat or the discomfort that I think the behavior is causing. When I so closely associate my child’s behavior with my internal world, it makes sense that I would seek to stop the behavior that I think is causing the feeling.
However, if I choose to distance myself from the behavior, and choose to see it not as a direct threat, my response can be mature and positive. In fact, this is the only way to have a positive and mature response. You can choose how you want to see something. You can choose how you want to feel about. You can learn the tools to stay calm so the your perspective and actions remain calm and conscious.
Still questioning all of this? Still wondering is this could be true. Let’s have a look then. What is really underneath that anger? What feelings do you want to make stop?

 

Take a look below to see if you can identify with any of the feelings I personally have noticed:

  • If my child gets upset, I get upset. I don’t know how to separate me from him. I feel upset and overwhelmed.
  • I want the whining/crying to stop. I am uncomfortable with the sounds of sadness.
  • My child’s discomfort spins my into a state of judgement about my child.
  • My child’s sadness reminds me of when I was sad. I don’t like that. I feel panicked and scared.
  • I don’t know how to help my child. I feel panicked and incapable.
  • My child’s emotions are unpredictable. I want to stop them so I can have more predictability and safety.
  • If my child doesn’t listen, I feel disrespected, small and unimportant.
  • If my child doesn’t listen I feel out of control and powerless. I want to feel control.
  • If my child doesn’t listen I’ll be late and then I’ll look bad/I’ll be judged/I’ll be behind schedule… I feel overwhelmed and not good enough.
  • I am worried about my child’s behavior and that she won’t learn what she needs to learn. I feel pressure and fear.
  • I am worried about my child’s behavior and that I’ll be judged for it. I feel a shame.
  • If my child doesn’t listen, I worry that he won’t be safe. I feel scared.
  • I feel stressed, exhausted and overworked. I kind of just looking for an outlet for my frustration.
  • I feel generally uninspired, and unsatisfied. I am looking for an outlet for my dissatisfaction.
  • I feel unappreciated and unloved.
  • Somehow, I think my child is trying to make life harder for me. I don’t trust my child. I feel anxious and suspicious.
  • I want my child to be more mature or to progress faster… to grow up. I want things to be easier than they are.
  • My relationship with my child’s mother/father is not going well. I am angry and upset and looking for an outlet.
  • I feel a general sense of disempowerment in my life and want to exert more control, so I try to control my child.

Can you think of any more? Did we cover it?

Can you see how the real reason behind the yelling is not to stop the behavior, but to stop the uncomfortable feeling inside of us? Can you see how the perspective of “it’s annoying” just doesn’t cut it. There is something deeper to understand, and with that understanding we can choose different ways of thinking and being.

So what now?

Join me for the Calm and Conscious Parenting Course. Limited spaces are available. Contact me to join. In the course you will learn how to:

  1. Identify your triggers
  2. Identify and own your feelings
  3. Feel your feelings
  4. Regulate yourself
  5. Address undesirable behaviour maturely and confidently

 

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